


Barack Obama and Mitt Romney have lunch together

by DeanaCrocetti



Category: Political RPF - US 21st c., presidential candidates
Genre: 2012 presidential campaign, Awkward Conversations, Comedy, Dialogue, Food, Funny, Gen, Lunch, Satire, US Politics - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-22
Updated: 2020-06-22
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:27:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24856834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeanaCrocetti/pseuds/DeanaCrocetti
Summary: Takes place during the 2012 election campaign.Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney is having some problems with his campaign. He has been described as too stiff, too formal, too aloof and too elitist. Despite his Ken doll looks, he clearly has difficulties connecting with his supporters. But all his troubles will soon be over because a political genius is coming to his rescue: President Barack Obama.
Kudos: 8





	Barack Obama and Mitt Romney have lunch together

**Author's Note:**

> This fanfic is written purely for comical purposes, it is not meant to be a political statement of any kind.

_OBAMA AND ROMNEY HAVE LUNCH TOGETHER_

_Takes place during the 2012 election campaign._   
_Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney is having some problems with his campaign. He has been described as too stiff, too formal, too aloof and too elitist. Despite his Ken doll looks, he clearly has difficulties connecting with his supporters. But all his troubles will soon be over because a political genius is coming to his rescue: President Barack Obama._

_Scene: Obama and Romney sitting at an outside restaurant table._

  
**Act 1**

  
O: Now look, uh… Mitt, you know, there has been a lot of talk about how you're such a perfect, flawless person. You know, no drinking, no smoking, no drugs, no sex scandal … it makes you unrelatable.

  
R: Well, I know, but you see, I am a Mormon and these things happen to go against my religion, my values and my morals and frankly, I couldn't live with myself, if I ever went against them.

  
O: See, there you go again… Mitt the moralist, the super clean-cut guy. And that's not your only problem, you're also so rich, you know, you're a real elitist. That's why none of the voters can relate to you, they don't see you as a normal human being. But it's very important that people can identify with you. Take me for example, I know I come across as very intelligent, eloquent and scholarly, but when people get to know me better, they see that I'm actually just a regular guy. Charming, nice, friendly and with a good sense of humour.

  
R: You may be right, but what can I do about it?

  
O: That's exactly why we're here. I want to help you with your problems. That is why I brought you to this restaurant, so we can have lunch together. You can see this as a sort of test run. This is your chance to show me the real you. You can prove to me that you're just as ordinary as everybody. And then you can try to act the same way around your supporters. You know, going to a restaurant, eating regular food… normal stuff like that.

  
R: Alright, great. So, what would you recommend we order first?

  
O: How about pizza.

  
R: Okay.

  
O: Hawaiian pizza.

  
R: Oh well, I've never eaten Hawaiian pizza before, don't you think that may be a little too exotic?

  
O ( _grins_ ): Not to me it isn't. But seriously, you have never eaten Hawaiian pizza? I don't believe this. What's the matter with you? Let's have some now!

  
_They order the pizza._

  
Waiter: And what would you like to drink?

  
O: A beer, please.

  
R: I'd like a glass of milk.

  
_Obama stares into the camera._

_The waiter leaves_.

  
O: Maybe it would make you more interesting if there were some scandalous stories from your past. Like, when you were young? I, for example, smoked some pot when I was young and I was also a heavy cigarette smoker. Then, later, I quit. See, that's what endears me to people. You ever did something like that?

  
R: Like I told you before, I follow my religion, so I am not allowed to drink, smoke or take drugs.

  
O: Yeah, but come on, you can't tell me you have never tasted alcohol in your whole life!?

  
R: To be honest, as a teenager I once tried a beer.

  
O: And?

  
R: And … I never tried it again. But those were the wild days, when I was still a wayward youth.

  
_Obama stares into the camera._

_The pizzas and drinks arrive._

  
O ( _eating_ ): Well, that is one hell of a pizza. Do you like it? Wait, what are you doing?

  
_Cut to Romney who is putting the pineapples and ham off the pizza and then the cheese._

  
O: Don't you like the topping?

  
R: Oh I do, I just need to put the cheese off the pizza, then I can put the pineapples and ham back on again.

  
O: Why on earth would you put the cheese off the pizza?

  
R: I always do this, the cheese is too fatty, I just cannot eat it like this.

  
O: But the cheese is the best part of the Pizza… ( _to himself_ ) ...this relatability thing is never going to work!  
So, what kind of pizza do you usually eat?

  
R: Double cheese.

  
O: Wait, just to get this straight, you order double cheese pizza and then you put the cheese off the pizza?

  
R: Well, yeah.

  
_Obama stares into the camera._

**Act 2**

  
O: Since you only ate half of your pizza…

  
R: You want the rest?

  
O: No, thanks. But how about another dish?

  
R: It's alright with me. I'll have a look at the menu.

  
O ( _scanning the menu as well_ ): How about a hot chilli dish? I love that.

  
R ( _not listening_ ): You know, maybe I'll have steak with potatoes, but there comes ketchup with it. I don't know if it's only me, but I find ketchup just a little too spicy, don't you think? Oh, I'm sorry, you were saying?

  
O: I was just asking whether you like chilli … oh, never mind. How about fried chicken?

  
R: Great, I love that.

  
O: Really? Or are you just saying that to pretend you're a normal person?

  
_Romney looks angrily at Obama._

_The fried chickens arrive._

  
O ( _eating_ ): Mmh, those are really good, don't you think…  
Wait, what the hell you're doing?

  
_Cut to Romney who is pulling the fried skin off the chicken._

  
O ( _completely aghast_ ): Wait, what the…? Why are you doing this?

  
R: I never eat the skin when I am ordering chicken.

  
O: But that's the best… oh, I give up. Seriously, what's wrong with you? Who does those sorts of things? ( _calming down_ ) Man, you have really strange eating habits. Somehow you manage to be weird and boring at the same time. Now, to make you more interesting: What is the most unusual food you have ever eaten?

  
R ( _thinking hard for a long time_ ): Must have been the Hawaiian pizza.

  
_Obama stares into the camera._

  
O: Look, I am trying to help you here but why do you have to make it so damn hard? You're really a hopeless case.

  
R ( _angrily_ ): Excuse me? What gives you the right to talk to me like that? What unusual things have you ever eaten anyway?

  
O: Well, let's see. Snakes, insects.

R: Insects?

  
O: You know, grasshoppers and so on. When I was living in Indonesia. See, that's what makes me interesting to people. Oh, and dog.

  
R ( _in absolute horror_ ): Dog? You ate a dog?!! What are you? Some kind of cannibal? Dog??!!

  
O: Well, what can I say. At least I don't ride around with one on the roof of my car.

  
_Romney gives him a very annoyed look._

O: Now, how about snacks? Do you have any favorites there?

  
R: I like twinkies.

  
O: Twinkies?? Well, it figures, I suppose.

  
R: Why?

  
O: Because just like twinkies, you're even whiter on the inside.

**Act 3**

  
O: Maybe to help you bond with the voters, you could talk to them about your family life.

  
R: Alright. Well, I have a beautiful family, who I love. And I have an adorable wife, Ann, we met in high-school and we have been together ever since. She is the most charming person I ever met. She is so beautiful and great and smart and compassionate and…

  
O: Okay, you love your wife, I think we all know that by now. By the way, I've heard your wife say in a recent interview that the two of you never had a fight. Is she right about that?

  
R: Of course, she's right, she's always right.

  
O: How long have you been married?

  
R: Forty-three years.

  
O: And not a single argument? Oh, come on, nobody's gonna believe you on that.

  
R: But it's the truth.

  
O: Well, that certainly makes you much more relatable… to anyone who isn't married. ( _sighs_ ) Oh well, would you like some dessert? Coffee?

  
R: Oh no, I never drink coffee. I'm not allowed to, remember? As for dessert, maybe some ice cream.

  
O ( _with new hope_ ): You like ice cream?

  
R: Sure.

  
O: Great, what's your favorite flavor?

  
R: Uh, I usually take vanilla… yeah, vanilla, I think.

  
O: Sure you do, why did I even ask?

  
_They order dessert._

O: Now, one thing I have learnt is that American voters will always go for hard-luck stories. You know, like the American dream, from rags to riches, those kinds of things. You got any stories on that?

  
R: Yeah, sure. So, when Ann and I went to College... Ann is my beautiful wife by the way, did I mention that already?

  
O: Yes, you did. Believe me, you did.

  
R: Okay. So, at the time we were living in a very small apartment in the basement. There were no windows, we had to sleep on matrasses, and we only had an ironing board as a table. It was really rough…

  
O: Okay, maybe we got something here, keep going!

  
R: Like I said, it was really rough. At one point, things got so bad that we had to sell some of our stocks.

  
O: Some of your what?

  
R: Well, you see, Ann and I both owned an amount of stocks and then we had to sell…

  
O: Alright, alright … forget the hard-luck story.

  
_The dessert arrives._

**Act 4**

  
R: Look, I was meaning to ask you for your advice about something.

  
O: Sure, go right ahead.

  
R: Well, this morning, when I was in the elevator, I was thinking to myself, whether it would be a good idea to tell the people at my rally that…

  
O: Wait, what elevator?

  
R: The elevator in my house.

  
O: I know you don't live in a skyscraper, so why do you have an elevator, why don't you just use the stairs?

  
R: Well, I couldn't possibly get the car down the stairs, you see. ( _laughs_ ) So, anyway… what I wanted to ask you…

  
O: The car?

  
R: Yeah, I have a car elevator. So, I wondered if I should talk to the people about…

  
O: A car elevator?!! Look, I don't care what you tell the people at your rally, as long as you don't mention your car elevator!

_They finish eating._

  
O: So, Mitt, the purpose of this meeting was to help you present yourself as an ordinary, flawed, yet likable human being with whom people can identify, someone who enjoys some junk food once in a while, someone who has made some mistakes in the past, who, in short, is human. And I must say: so far, you have been a complete failure on all accounts. I really tried to help you but at this point I don´t know what else to do. So, I am begging you: you must have some faults, some vices. Could you please just tell me what they are?!

  
R: My vices?

  
O ( _desperate_ ): Yes, what are your vices?

  
R: Well, there may be one thing…

  
O: Yes…?

  
R: I must confess that every once in a while, I allow myself to have a bottle of low-fat chocolate milk.

  
Obama bangs his head onto the table.

  
Romney gets up in order to leave.

  
R ( _in mock worry_ ): Are you alright … or do I have to yank you back up by your big ears, you arrogant piece of shit?

  
O ( _faintly_ ): That's the spirit, Mitt. Wait, what?

_THE END_


End file.
